the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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