I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
