Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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