That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
