They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
