i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Houston, we have a blender
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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