hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
