Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
