We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
