i wish my penis had a tongue
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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