nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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