i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
