I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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