i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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