the new term for farting is butt boxing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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