I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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