Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
