I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
