That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
