It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
