I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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