I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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