I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize