it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
This house was built for laser tag.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
