Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
