I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
