U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
as a side note pls kill me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
