Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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