well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
