my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Randomize
