So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
