you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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