yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
