Your face is a jimmy john
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
