Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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