Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
