my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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