I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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