Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
