I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
