Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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