Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
