Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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