Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
