Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
