just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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