guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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