I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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