Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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