If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
