my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
