You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
