if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
