id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize