I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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