i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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