I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
