We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
